Elon Musk Is a Martian

By Way of Russia

Pretending to be human in Wisconsin.

Poor little Elon. All he really wants to do is go home. Recently leaked documents from Russia's most secret archives allow us to tell this story in detail, and perhaps create some sympathy for someone who currently is not receiving the adulation he once basked in.

We need dial back only a few decades to start at the beginning. Despite recent despicable slanders, Elon is not 500 years old, and he is not a vampire. He and his twin sister Nola were born on Mars to their loving parents, OgOg and BipBip, in what earthlings would call the 1940s. It was an age of exploration for the earthlings, but the Martians had been traveling around the galaxy for a very long time, not finding all that much of interest, but they did come across a lovely vacation spot called the dark side of the moon. Martians in general loved to go there because it was dark. Apparently it's very sunny on Mars, and Martians were very pleased to find a place where they could sit outside in the dark and not have to wear their sunglasses.

One day an interesting group of people arrived from earth. The Martians initially had trouble communicating with them, but the Martians had long been accustomed to using the translation devices on their cell phones to communicate with the odd people they ran across in their travels. It turned out that the new arrivals were from a place on earth called Russia, and they were very interested in setting up a mining operation on the moon, digging up various things that would be useful in their conflict with the evil Americans, who were apparently very unkind to the Russians. 

The Martians knew a lot about mining, but they weren't terribly interested in helping the Russians. However, in their conversations, something else came up. The Russians said they were having problems with their "sleeper agents." It turned out that the Russians would take small Russian children from their families and train them to be Americans. After they reached a certain age, they would secretly insert them into American society, where they were supposed to blend in and, with deft handling, quietly move into positions of influence, where they could help their masters at home in the struggle agains the evil Americans.

The problem was that the sleeper agents, once they arrived in America, had an alarming tendency to tell their Russian handlers to fuck off - they were in America, they were Americans, and if their Russian handlers gave them any problems, they would rat out the whole system to the entire alphabet soup of American government agencies that had no idea what was going on. 

The Russians didn't know what to do, so they killed all their sleeper agents. But they still liked the idea. They just needed a source of better agents.

The Martians perked up at that. A few thousand years previously, the Martian government had decided that it needed to control the size of the Martian population. Martians tended to live a long time, and also to be reasonably fertile, and of course the soil on Mars was not terribly fertile (although very handsomely red) and so could only grow so much food.

It was decreed that, when a Martian couple reached the age of 500, it would have to decide whether to commit suicide or kill its two children (any children in excess of two had already been sent on their way). This naturally caused much unhappiness to Martian families, who normally wound up killing the children (although occasionally their children, if they were old enough to know what was going on, would beat their parents to the punch).

And so one day OgOg and BipBip and Elon and Nola got in their spaceship and cruised over to the dark side of the moon, where they spent time lying out in the dark and chatting with the Russian visitors. Eventually a deal was reached. OgOg and BipBip were paid uranium and caviar, all brought up carefully from earth. Uranium was in short supply on Mars, and neither of them had ever seen caviar before, although they had heard about it from friends (who never got around to sharing).

OgOg and BipBip told Elon and Nola that they would be going to a summer camp on earth, of all places, and introduced them to their counselors, Ivan and Svetlana. And then they got into their spaceship with their loot, and hightailed it back to Mars.

Elon and Nola spent several months on the far side of the moon, where Ivan and Svetlana taught them Russian and English and other useful subjects. Then it was time for the trip down to earth.

Russian rockets in those days were very prone to blowing up at inconvenient moments. Ivan and Svetlana told the children that, just as a precaution, they would be traveling to earth on two separate rockets. (They did not tell the children that Russians who actually made it to the moon always chose never to make the return journey.)

Elon thought his trip from the moon to earth was the most fantastic experience of his life - the flames and roar of the rocket were so much more exciting than the quiet humming of Martian spaceships. He was absolutely entranced when Nola's rocket blew up. He thought he now understood what the American phrase "a ringside seat" meant. (The two rockets had been spaced a good distance apart, to make sure that an explosion in one would not affect the other.)

After a few years of preparation in Mother Russia, Elon was inserted into an Ivy League university in the United States, with a fake past that he had carefully memorized. And the rest is history - except for this: Recently, Elon has developed a strong desire to return home to Mars. He wants to see his parents and tell them of his exploits. And then, because he must, he will kill them.

On, Wisconsin!

 See also The 800-Pound Gorilla in the Oval Office, Slingshot, Little Karl, Is Elon Musk a Vampire?